I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
that may or may not have been my penis.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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