How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
