I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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