Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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