I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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