sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize