Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
