I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
