Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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