i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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