i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
