Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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