sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
