the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
