my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
