If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
