Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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