My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
