youre lurking in front of me
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
