My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
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