woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
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