Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Dear god my vagina.
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