beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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