he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
