Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
