i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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