I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
