Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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