I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
