Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
