put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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