I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
