He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
