you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
