"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
