Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
