So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
