After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
