shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Randomize
