I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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