my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize