i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
