she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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