I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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