I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
