bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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