I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
