her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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