dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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