at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
