i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
