Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
