im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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