Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
