Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
