Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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