happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Randomize
