Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
