I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Actions speak louder than pants.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
