I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
