i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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