and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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