Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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