Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
