She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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